In the following week Sam and I will be coming up on 8 years of marriage. Time flies when you are having lots of fun and babies! I asked him to cowrite a post with me about what we wish we could tell our newlywed selves. Here are our collective thoughts on marriage after 8 years. Side note, Sam and I each wrote our four thoughts on marriage separately, and did not talk about what we wrote until afterward. It is funny to see how spot on or similar our thoughts on marriage are.
Communicate (Amelia)
Sam and I have often said if we could go back and give our younger selves one tip on marriage it would be to communicate. About EVERYTHING! Whether that be needing to stay late at work. Plans for the weekend. Monthly budget. Expectations. You name it, then talk about it! This will not only cut down on arguments, but you will draw closer together when you share everything on your mind and heart with each other. Sometimes these conversations will be rough, but it is always worth it to talk things through than let things go unsaid where they can grow and fester.
Choose Wisely How You Use Your Words (Sam)
This may seem like communication, but it’s not. Words are important, and the ones you choose to use can cause more conflict, or they can defuse conflict. You can still communicate the right way, but when you use the wrong words, it can cause damage. Words are like a bullet in a gun. Once fired and out of the barrel, there is no getting it back, and just like a bullet, words can cause lasting and significant damage that can take a long time to heal. So, choose your words carefully in your marriage.
Dream and Set Goals Together (Amelia)
One thing we wish we had done better early on was dream and set goals together. Early in marriage we knew we wanted kids and for Sam to get a promotion at his job. Beyond that we didn’t have anything we were working toward. We see now how we wasted precious time just wandering aimlessly by not having dreams and goals for our marriage and family.
Over the past few years, we schedule a date for the end of every year and go over the goals and dreams we made for the past year. We see what worked and what didn’t. Some years are more encouraging than others to see all we have accomplished with the dreams and goals we set. Other years not so much. But it is very encouraging to see the traction we are making unlike those first few years when we were working toward nothing. We also take some time at the end of the year to dream and set goals for the coming new year. This way we know we are both heading in the same direction whether that be with our marriage, family, finances, etc.
Greet One Another (Sam)
How you greet one another can set the tone for your household. If the mother and father simply acknowledge each other with a Hi, or a Hey, then that is what you can expect your kids to do because that is what the parents model for them. However, if you and your significant other are intentional about greeting one another with a hug, a kiss, or both, it sets a different tone for your household and your kids because it shows them the importance and the value that you place on your marriage. It shows them that whatever you are doing in that moment, is not more important than your spouse. Even your kids should come second to your spouse.
Do Life Together (Amelia)
Whether it be Errands or Doctor’s Appointments. A Target run for just “ONE” thing. Visiting Each Other at Work. Meeting up during your lunch hour, etc. Take the everyday boring things and do them together! This not only makes them more bearable but even fun in the process. Who doesn’t love a spontaneous date to the Eye Doctor? 😀
Spend Time Together (Sam)
This seems simple, but it is not. The world and life will want to pull you apart with as many things as it can by adding to your schedule. You will have things that come up that genuinely cannot be helped. Then there are times where it can be helped, and you choose not to take advantage of that time.
I would caution here and be careful with the mindset that your friends, family members, girl’s trips, guys trips, mothers-in-law, mothers, kids ect. … whoever or whatever it maybe, may push for your time, but your time is intended to be spent with your spouse. Am I saying you can never do any of these things with other people? No, but I would watch closely how much time I spend with others, versus my spouse. Remember, you didn’t marry your significant other for them to take second fiddle to other people. So, be intentional about spending time together even in the mundane things.
Be Gracious with One Another During Tough OR Transitional Times (Amelia)
When you are first married everything is blissful and amazing, but tough times will come and when they do be gracious with one another. Over the years Sam and I have dealt with our fair share of hardships. Unemployment, tough financial times, miscarriage, cross state moves, new jobs, anxiety and depression, etc. During times like this you each with handle it differently. Maybe one of you is more upbeat and go with the flow so you can roll with the punches. Or maybe change, and trials beat you down and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Be gracious with each other. At different times in marriage, you will each take on the role of encourager and at other times you may need to be encouraged. Don’t ever beat the other down because you don’t understand why they feel defeated. Just come alongside them, pray with them, and carry them until the clouds begin to part.
There have been many times in our marriage where Sam had to be the strong understanding one and other times where that has had to be me. Just know it is a season you are going through and it will not last forever. If you can be gracious with one another during these times you will come out stronger together.
Be Gracious to One Another (Sam)
This is very simple to say, but hard to do because of the sin nature that lives within us. We have to remember what Paul said in Romans 3, “our throats are open graves, there is no one who seeks God, no one who is righteous, we are all evil.” If we were to recite this at a wedding and told someone, this is who you are marrying, all weddings would be seen as a downer. However, the reality is, that is who you are marrying, and unfortunately that is their nature. Redeemed or not because as Paul says in Romans 7, “the old man wars with in us.” So, be gracious. To those who have been shown and received grace, then it is ours to give and show to others, especially our spouses whom God has given us. So, remember in the hard times, tough conversations, struggles, or whatever it may be, be gracious to one another.
I hope Sam’s and my thoughts on marriage after 8 years was encouraging to you. If you are looking for more Marriage related topics check out our blog Growing Confident.
Or if you have more uplifting thoughts on marriage please share in the comments.
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