My husband, Sam and I first started dating over a decade ago when he had two young girls. He was also in the process of trying to wrap up a divorce. During that time, we went through a lot of trial and error trying to navigate our new relationship. This is the resource I would have wanted when we started seeing each other. Keep reading if you are dating someone with kids… and are interested in some things to consider along the way.
Dating Someone with Kids
During the “getting to know you” phase I would suggest focusing on two things. First, focus on communication. Communicate what your schedules look like on a weekly or bimonthly basis. When your significant other may have plans with their kids and when to plan dates around that. Communicate your expectations about the relationship. What do you desire for the future if you both wish to move forward in the relationship.
Second, take this time to get to know each other better. Don’t put unneeded pressure on the relationship, so for now, hold off meeting your significant other’s kids incase things don’t progress with your relationship. If you are already certain you want to be together still don’t worry about forming those relationships. That will come with time. Be sure to ask about their kids and learn a little about them. This information will come in handy later as your relationship becomes more serious.
When Sam and I were dating I wanted to spend more time with his girls than I did and was frustrated when that didn’t happen. However, looking back, I should have focused more time on Sam and myself growing closer, and enjoying fun kid free dates. Over the years, I have had plenty of time to nurture my relationship with our girls. Today we have a strong and healthy relationship.
Becoming Engaged to Someone with Kids
Once you become engaged, I would continue to communicate your expectations as your relationship is changing. You will always want to be on the same page, so your relationship stays in a good place while you navigate life’s changes together.
Next, meet your Fiancé’s Ex… if this is an option and all parties can be mature. I know this may be slightly awkward but discussing any expectations moving forward will be in everyone’s best interest. This move can help make coparenting easier and remind everyone to put their best foot forward where the kids are involved. Some things to discuss may be… What rules have Mom and Dad created that you will need to support moving forward. Do current visitation arrangements need to adjust once you get married as schedules will change. Meeting with Sam’s Ex is a step I wish we could have taken during our engagement. However, with our situation not all parties were willing to be mature. Needless to say, navigating coparenting for us has been bumpier over the years than it has needed to be.
Lastly, plan to meet your Fiancé’s kids and start visiting them regularly. Visits may need to start out monthly then bimonthly then down to the regular schedule they have with your Fiancé. This plan will also allow the kids time to adjust to the new changes coming. As well as get acclimated to you and the thought of their parent with someone else. Also, if the kids are eager and willing include them in the planning and wedding celebration. You want everyone to feel included in this part. Marriage will change things not only for you and your Fiancé but the kids as well.
Newly Married to Someone with Kids
I cannot stress enough the need to continue to communicate with your spouse. You will never regret it! The first few months will be an adjustment for everyone involved. Talk about how visits went with your bonus kids. This will allow you to keep up the great work or adjust things that could flow better. Talk about what you and your spouse want out of life and how to best move forward with these plans.
Additionally focus this time on growing trust with your bonus kids. Maybe take an interest in something they enjoy. Plan one on one dates with them. Also be willing to answer any questions they have as they may still be trying to process this new transition. Honestly being newly married to someone with kids is a funky stage to go through. Know with time you will settle into your role as Bonus Parent and grow to love the relationship you have with your bonus kids.
Lastly, DO NOT worry about disciplining your bonus kids at this time. DO support the parental rules already in place. Or if you are more comfortable, deflect to your spouse when you notice your bonus kids doing something they aren’t allowed. One evening soon after Sam and I were married our girls were trying to skip brushing their teeth… “Dad won’t care,” they informed me. Rather than scold them on the importance of brushing their teeth I said, “OK let’s go ask him together.” This allowed me not to be the “Bad Guy”. They also learned, when Dad agreed with me, maybe I did have the same parental authority he does!
3+ Years into Marriage with Your Spouse and all YOUR Kids
Communicate, communicate, communicate! This may be getting old to hear by now, but I can’t stress it enough! By now your life may have yet again changed, maybe even a few times. Within the first few years of our marriage, Sam and I had welcomed our first child together. Started a new job. Went through a heartbreaking miscarriage. Moved over an hour away for a job transfer. Then were months away from welcoming our second child.
By now your bonus kids should see you as another parental figure and respect you when you state the rules. If not, then don’t hesitate to continue to deflect discipline to your spouse. At this stage in my parenting journey, I had no problem correcting our big girls or treating them as my own. I knew how they behaved would impact their younger siblings. Kindly telling them, “Please don’t sit on the counter”. Or “Let’s not set a paper towel on fire with the candle” were very easy for me to state. I no longer felt like, “Who the heck am I to be trying to act like their mom”??? At this point, I was and had been their Bonus Mom for a few years.
Again, I want to encourage you that your relationship with your bonus children will get easier with time. Don’t get overly discouraged on the hard days, as they will come. Just keep loving your bonus kids, and being the best Bonus parent you can for them.
Looking for More Advice on Dating Someone with Kids?
I hope this read was helpful for anyone trying to navigate this wild ride of dating someone with kids.
Leave me a comment if you would like to hear more concerning dating someone with kids. Divorce, remarriage, or blended families. I may not have all the answers, but I am more than willing to share what I have learned to make the process simpler for others going through this.
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