When Sam and I first started dating, he was going through a divorce and had two young girls. Fast forward to today and you will find that we have been together for 13 years. Married for 8 years of those years and have 6 kids together along with our two bonus daughters from his previous marriage. We have often talked about our unique family dynamic. Typically, blended families have both parents that are divorced. Both may bring kids into the new family unit and maybe a few new siblings are added after the marriage. In our situation this is Sam’s second marriage and my first. In this guest post, I asked Sam to share some life lessons he learned from his first marriage so others might learn and grow from his personal experience.
Be Intentional
The first life lesson I learned from my first marriage is to be intentional. To me this is one of the most important realities in marriage. When things just carry along, and you add kids, jobs, or whatever that may be, intentionality toward your spouse goes by the wayside. You are no longer intentional about dates, quality time, conversations, or even fixing the distance that has grown between you. Those things seem like they can fix themselves with time but if you just carry on without the intentionality working on them they won’t.
This is why Amelia, and I are very intentional about planning out date nights or even spending time together and talking after putting the kids to bed. We make it appoint to be intentional about our quality time and ensure it is not interrupted by kids, phones, or any other outside distractions. We simply focus on each other. My encouragement to you would be to be intentional about your time with your spouse. It is the most important relationship you have outside of Christ. Without that intentionality, you can wake up one day and find yourself with a great distance or separation between you and your spouse.
Communicate Expectations
The second life lesson I have learned is to communicate clear expectations. There are times when I think I am communicating clearly, but in reality, I sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown… Wah Wa Wah. I try my best to think before I speak and bridle my tongue before I open my mouth because it will make life easier for everyone. So, whether that be in a discussion, argument, or any form of communication, especially with those that you love, take your time and speak thoughtfully and clearly, so that the lines of communication are always open for clear expectations. It cuts down on misunderstandings.
Show Grace
The third life lesson I have learned is to show grace. Make that massive and massive amounts of grace. I have heard Pastor Voddie Baucham state that when people get married, they believe that the one they love is supposed to sin against them less than others. However, in reality, because you are around each other more, you sin against each other more, therefore, you need grace upon grace upon grace to forgive each other and continue to love each other. Always remember that grace is getting what you don’t deserve. So, when it comes to your marriage, be quick to practice grace because you have been given the same pass.
Dream Together
The fourth lesson that I have learned is dream together. Throughout my first marriage I had goals and ambitions, but they were mine, not ours. In my second marriage, Amelia and I always make it a point to dream together and share hopes for the future. It keeps us on the same page and working together as one unit and one flesh. It keeps us aligned with our kids, our finances, and focused on the road that God has laid out before us. Take the time to dream together.
Be Willing to Learn
The final and last life lesson I have learned from my first marriage, is to always stay in a state of learning. There is never going to be a point where you have things figured out completely. When you stop learning, or try to discover new ways to love, serve, and be there for your spouse, you are missing the point of growing old together. You will grow stale and become nonresponsive to one another. So, just like learning your child, skills at a new job, or how to be an awesome stay at home mom, always stay in a constant state of learning in your marriage because without it, you will never grow beyond where your marriage is currently at.
I hope these life lessons I learned from my first marriage help some of you that may need encouragement or maybe struggling. If you are in a similar situation or have had a similar experience, please leave a comment so that we can continue to encourage others and help them grow confident regardless to what stage of life you may be in. Thanks for reading!
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