This post is very important for me to write as it is the road my husband and I walked together before we got married. I pray that those considering living together before marriage would think over all that we share before making a decision. Rather than slap in you in the face right off the bat with the bad, let me first share the good of living together before marriage. So here is a glimpse into the good and the bad of living together before marriage.
The Good of Living Together before Marriage
1. You are able to split expenses.
More than likely if you are looking to live together before marriage you should consider splitting the bills if you have dual income. I would highly recommend listing the joint bills you will have and divide them evenly. Things like groceries, utilities, rent, pet fees, and anything new you want for your place should be shared equally. Now if one of you wants a big screen tv and the other doesn’t I don’t suggest splitting that cost. Or perhaps one of you already has a pet you are bringing into the picture. If that is the case then it will completely be your responsibility to pay any pet deposits and monthly fees, vet bills, food, etc that may come up.
Sam and I actually did not discuss this much when we first moved in together… BIG mistake! We each ended up footing the bill for our personal things such as gas, auto insurance, fun money, and any savings goals or debt we had personally. Then depending on our pay, we took responsibility for the joint bills. Sam covered rent and utilities as he had a higher income. I covered groceries and any household items we may have needed. Date nights or outings tended to be something Sam would pay for. Once in a blue moon there were occasions when I covered fun dates as well.
2. You are able to “play house” with no commitment.
You and your significant other may be madly in love and have a plan to one day get married. However, when you move in together before marriage you are majorly letting each other off the hook for any future plans. Finances can be spent how each individual chooses. Saving for the future may not be a big concern since you are just focused on the moment. Days off don’t have to be planned with each other in mind. Going with your significant other to family gatherings are optional as they aren’t your family yet. The future can be held loosely so you tend to prolong growing up and making that marriage commitment for the time being.
Sam and I “played house” for almost 5 years and looking back we realized how much time we wasted! If we had taken the time to sit down together, map out our future, then joined our efforts to get there we wouldn’t have wasted so many years taking a detour to get to the future we really wanted. Our prayer for those reading this is that you would make a plan today for your future together rather than say you will get around to it someday. Because next thing you know you will look up and see years have gone by, thus prolonging the future you want together.
3. You are able to live together before marriage.
When you know you know. So, who wants to put off spending forever with their significant other when you can move in together this weekend and start having those forever sleepovers now?! We often romanticize this part. While it is wonderful seeing your favorite person every day rushing to this part does not produce the greener grass we may have been hoping for.
Sam and I loved being together every day! However, as you will see with the things I list in the bad of living together before marriage section the warm fuzzy feelings eventually wear off. You may even start to rub each other the wrong way as you are navigating this path filled with uncertainties. Now that may have just been us, but I have talked to others who have lived together before getting married and they share similar experiences.
4. You are able to part ways easier if things don’t work out.
If you decide things aren’t working out well then it all boils down to who gets the apartment? Who is moving out? And how will you divide the stuff you got while together? Of course, you will have to deal with any emotional fallout as breakups are never easy. But if both parties can be mature then you can break ties quickly and easily. Rather than dragging things out for years and dealing with the financial cost of a divorce had you been married.
While it never came to this for Sam and myself, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that we had many a near relationship ending fights. However, at the end of the day we knew no matter what we wanted to be together. I am so thankful we were willing to stick together and work through the tough times.
5. You are able to learn some valuable life lessons if you live together before marriage.
As with anything good or bad there are always life lessons to learn. So, if you are successful and marry your significant other. Or you decide to part ways. Learn from the experience and make the appropriate adjustments in the future. Don’t be that person that plays the victim to your circumstances and wallows in things that didn’t work out. Thus, postponing that amazing future that could be just around the corner for you.
Sam and I learned that communication is key in any phase of your relationship. And if we could have a do over, we would NOT have moved in together! Rather we would have done as I mentioned and taken the time to sit down together, map out our future then joined our efforts to get there faster.
The Bad of Living Together before Marriage
1. There is no security in the relationship.
When you move in with someone before marriage you may think it is basically the same thing as if you are married. What you fail to realize is that you lack the security that comes in marriage. This is one no one talks about, and you honestly can’t understand it until you are in the position. That lack of security and as time ticks by and no marriage plans are in your future this will eat at you. Leaving you feeling insecure and uncertain in your relationship.
Sam never could quite understand why this was such a big deal for me. With him coming out of a divorce and “choosing me” as he would say I would try to get him to understand that if something ever happened to him, no one would come looking for his girlfriend to let me know the bad news. More than likely they would look for his Ex, aka the mother of his children. Or even his parents before anyone would come looking for me. Since we were not married our relationship status meant nothing in an emergency.
2. You are more likely to prolong getting married.
When you move in together before getting married it takes the earnest out of setting a wedding date. Why bother when you skipped that step and now you are together every day? You promise yourself you will eventually pick a day and start the preparations. But let me tell you from personal experience life keeps going and it is SO easy to keep putting those plans off.
For Sam and I the rubber met the road when after years of saying we would plan a wedding, but never taking the time to do so we found ourselves pregnant. Together we decided rather than spend money on a wedding we would save it and start planning for the sweet bundle of joy that was on the way. To this day we still talk about planning a vow renewal to make up for the wedding we never had. As usual life gets in the way. There have been more babies with each passing year, moves, and life’s daily expenses so that dream will continue to get pushed back for now.
3. The unsolicited advice from others.
Oh, the things I could write for this, but I will do my best to keep it short. Some people will be kind about their advice, others not so much. Just know that EVERYONE has thoughts on your living situation. More often than not you will not care to hear it, but they will humor you anyway.
We got advice from our family and friends. ALL. THE. TIME. Now I will say the advice from family was mostly given in love, but we were two lovesick love birds who didn’t listen to their wisdom. On the other hand, the acquaintances in our life just enjoyed hounding us on our situation. “When will you get married?” “Why is it taking so long?” “Are you going to have kids anytime soon since Sam isn’t getting any younger?” “Maybe he won’t want kids by the time you finally get married.” “Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?” “Maybe y’all should just break up if you haven’t gotten married by now.” Not very encouraging for two who want to start a life together.
4. You may fight more.
More than likely due to lack of security, prolonging marriage, and the unsolicited advice from others this will lead to more fighting. At least that was the case for Sam and me. The lack of security, continually pushing back a wedding, the unwanted advice from people, and life’s daily stressors caused us to fight ALOT. We realize now we should have communicated better. Because fighting is NOT communicating as you are usually just putting each other down to prove a point so you end up nowhere.
I would advise you pray for your significant other and yourself. Pray over your thoughts, actions, and the words you speak to each other so you can have an effective conversation. One that guides you forward and builds your relationship rather than tear each other down.
5. You will have to figure out who will pay for life’s unexpected?
When you are just moving in together, no one ever thinks about life’s unexpected surprises? Who will pay for items needed and any medical expenses for the new baby on the way? Considering buying a house together? How will you break down the deposit, fees, and any thing you notice needs to be fixed after the move? Everyone just assumes it will be all rainbows and sunshine when you move in together and a lot of times it will be. However sometimes life throws you a curveball that you weren’t expecting. So planning how you will handle those things together or individually is wise.
For Sam and myself our unexpected was when we found out we were pregnant a few years into our relationship. Of course we wanted kids, but we figured that would happen later, after marriage. Rather than wallow in these unexpected plans, we worked together to make our future happen. We eloped, joined bank accounts, and started planning and preparing for our sweet girl to be born the following year.
I hope this glimpse into the good and the bad of living together before marriage gave you some things to think about. From there hopefully you will make a decision that is wise for both parties involved.
Curious how Sam’s and my story ended up? Read more on our About Me Page.
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