When Sam and I first started dating, he was going through a divorce and had two young girls. Fast forward to today and you will find that we have been together for 13 years. Married for 8 years of those years and have 6 kids together along with our two bonus daughters from his previous marriage. We have often talked about our unique family dynamic. Typically, blended families have both parents that are divorced. Both may bring kids into the new family unit and maybe a few new siblings are added after the marriage. In our situation this is Sam’s second marriage and my first.
Last week, Sam wrote a guest post titled The Life Lessons I Learned from My First Marriage, as I asked him to share some life lessons, he learned from his first marriage so others might learn and grow from his personal experience. In this follow up post he will discuss the worse and better aspects of our marriage, his second marriage.
Preface Concerning My Second Marriage
So, let’s get into the realities of the worse and better aspects of a second marriage. First, let me start by saying that there are a lot of things that I have learned over what is now, as of this writing, 13 years with Amelia. My thoughts on marriage, children, and what family looks like have drastically changed. What do I mean by that statement? Let me explain.
My Viewpoint on Marriage
My view on marriage has changed because it used to be that I saw marriage as being able to end based solely on Matthew 5:31-32 and 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. I used to believe that it was okay to divorce in the case of adultery or abandonment. However, after a closer study and prayer, I have taken a permeance view of marriage. Meaning there are no such clauses for divorce in the Bible. God intended His design to be permanent. There are no loopholes.
My Viewpoint on Children
Second, when it comes to children, I always assumed that you just had a couple of children and moved on. As stated by Pastor Voddie Baucham, “a girl for you a boy for me, and praise the Lord we are finally through. And in those special cases where you may have two boys or two girls, it is ok to try for that third baby so that you can get whatever you may be missing so that your family can be complete.” I had a very worldly view of kids and the number I would have. I told God that I trusted in Him, but not in the area of children. Obviously with Amelia and I having six kids together, and eight overall, that idea has changed.
My Viewpoint on the Family Unit
Third, and very simple, family is the most important and central reality in your life. Nothing comes before it. So, with that caveat, let’s dive into the worse and better aspects of a second marriage.
The Worse Aspects of My Second Marriage
The Starting Over
The first negative of a second marriage, is basically starting over. You are back at ground zero. You have to learn someone else’s intricacies, nuances, ideals, patterns, attitude…etc. I am not saying that this is the hardest thing, but sometimes it is harder to do because you can be set in your ways, values, or whatever it maybe. It can be difficult to adjust and change your mind set so that you can be a team and work together. You now have to discuss where are you going to live? Are you going to stay near your kids from the previous marriage? Or move where a job takes you? Should you ever bother changing jobs or accept a promotion if it could move you away from your kids? Sometimes, in a new marriage, you may find yourself practically back at ground zero and starting over.
The “Baggage”
The second negative is the past or the “baggage” from your previous marriage may always be hanging there. Before someone reads this and says, “You are calling your children baggage?!” NO, so calm down. I mean the past relationship. Because when you are starting a new relationship there is trust to be built on both sides. Sometimes this can be a hard thing to build when you may still be working through some aspects of your new reality after a divorce. You may want to shield your new relationship from all your “baggage” while also trying to navigate your new realities with your kids, ex-spouse, visitation schedule, etc. This has the potential to breed a lot of doubt and frustration on both ends, and it can cause fights or disagreements.
The In Laws
The third negative would be gaining a new set of In Laws and any siblings your wife may have. All I can say here, is pray for that same grace God gives to you on a daily basis, so you can give it to your new family. You have to always remember that when you marry, you gain more than just a wife. You gain her family. For me, part of the issues I have here are my own, taken from my first marriage and projected onto my second which is fair to no one, so it requires me to continually work on this area.
The Shame and Guilt
The fourth negative is the shame and guilt that come. Make no mistake, I have no problem owning my choices. That doesn’t mean it still doesn’t come with the shame and guilt of knowing that you essentially failed by everyone else’s standards. You may carry that reality with you for years. As a result of this, you are always in a state of waiting for this marriage and relationship with your spouse to fall apart or fail. This is an uphill battle that is hard to overcome and move on from. It has to come with the understanding that this other person or individual is not the same as the one you may have previously been married to. You have to give them the grace and the mercy they deserve to be who they are and who God made them to be.
I would say for me personally; these are some of the biggest negative aspects I have seen in my second marriage that have been struggles and learning curves. With that said, let’s move on to some of the better aspects of my second marriage.
The Better Aspects of My Second Marriage
The Starting Over
The first positive for my second marriage has been starting over. Yes, I know that I said it was a negative, but it is also a positive. You essentially get a do over. The opportunity to learn and grow and improve in the areas where you failed before. You have the option to either wallow and stay in the mess you created, or you can start over and build something stronger and better. You can put the work in where you failed before and turn it around. Thus gaining a new drive and direction for your life. Or, if you are as fortunate as I have been, you have someone who walks along side of you and helps you pick up the pieces and build something new.
The Grace Given
The second positive to a second marriage is growth and understanding of grace that come. I have always been a firm believer in that you cannot understand the depth of God’s grace until you understand the depth of your sin. Going through my divorce, I begin to understand the depth of my sin and how deep it ran. In my second marriage, I have learned the depth of God’s grace because my life wasn’t over after my divorce. It didn’t end because of this one sin, and because of that God has given me grace in a wife that stands by me regardless of my faults. God has given me grace in all of the kids gifted to us that I get the opportunity to raise and train up in the ways and admonition of the Lord.
The Freedom to Be Myself
The third positive to a second marriage is freedom. In my first marriage I tried to fit a mold. I tried to be what someone else wanted me to be rather being myself. Now, this is my fault in the first marriage, but the freedom that has come in my second marriage has allowed me to be myself faults and all. I am able to get back to who I am and was and not apologize for it. I was able to see my strengths, and realize they were not hinderances or negatives, but the things that made me who I was and that they did not have to be put away.
The Gratitude
The fourth positive to a second marriage is gratitude. Because of the growth I have gone through since my first marriage, it has caused me to reflect and be grateful for a second chance and that it has been given to me by someone who is willing to give me that chance. I can slow down and enjoy life for what it is. A daily process of growth and forgiveness. To be grateful to have someone’s hand to hold, to talk with, to navigate life with, to have a family with. Where I may have taken that for granted the first time around, my second marriage has caused me to slow down and be grateful.
My Wife
The fifth and final positive to my second marriage can be summed up in two words, my wife. She is one of the most gracious, and beautiful people that I know and have ever come across. That is both physically and spiritually. There is so much more to add here, but she didn’t ask me to write a post specifically about her, so I will sum it up in that she is the brightest spot of my second marriage.
Have Things been Better OR Worse?
Now, this is not going to be hard to guess, and by now you should have figured it out, but here we go, is my second marriage better or worse? The answer is staring you in the face. For some this will make you upset, but if you read this through the lens it should be read through, the reality is… my second marriage is better.
For better or worse is a traditional vow, and I can say that my second marriage has been better rather than worse. That has more to do with the growth and changes I have personally gone through versus just picking “the right one.” Do I think I have the right one? You better believe it! Is that because they were magically chosen for me? Or maybe I just picked wrong the first time? Nope, I choose for her to be the right one, and I am trying to daily put in the effort to make her the right one. She makes me want to be a better man and the man that God has called me to be.
The changes and choices I have made over the years to grow and see from a different perspective have given me a different outlook. As a result, it makes my second marriage better and more fulfilling. Does that mean perfect? Not a chance. However, the opportunity to do this the way God called us to do this, makes it better and more fulfilling because it is not about me, but about us.
Leave a Reply